So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
