Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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