I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's shark week go big or go home
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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