...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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