can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
