Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
