She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
