My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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