we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Never let your siblings swipe right.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
