I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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