kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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