Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
