Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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