I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
