Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
