hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
only if we run a train.
done.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
