So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
