i jhust puked up my retainher.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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