saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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