around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
