Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
