He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
