the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
