I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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