the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
