apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
