apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
