So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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