I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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