you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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