I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
