i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
