I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
