I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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