Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
