Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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