Please, let me fuck your mom
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
