My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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