seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
