eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
