Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
