she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
