May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
