it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
