I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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