How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
