I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
