I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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