so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
