a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
