Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
