Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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