She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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